How Children Grieve Differently: Understanding Grief at Different Ages

Children don't grieve according to a calendar. They grieve according to their development, their relationship with the person who died, and their understanding of loss.

One of the most important things we can understand about children's grief is that there is no single way a child will respond to death.

A preschool child may not understand that death is permanent.

An elementary-age child may have questions about why the person died.

A middle school student may struggle with identity, friendships, or feeling different from peers.

A teenager may understand the permanence of death but struggle with how to incorporate the loss into their changing world.

Grief changes as children grow.

Young Children

Young children may understand death differently than adults.

They may ask the same question repeatedly.

They may believe the person is coming back.

They may move quickly between sadness and play.

One minute they may be talking about the person who died, and the next they may be playing with toys or asking for a snack.

This doesn't mean they don't care.

It means they are processing grief in a developmentally appropriate way.

Children often move in and out of grief.

Play can be part of grieving.

Elementary-Age Children

As children grow, their understanding of death becomes more concrete.

They may begin asking questions such as:

"How did they die?"

"Will someone else die?"

"Will I die?"

"Who will take care of me?"

They may also experience guilt or magical thinking, wondering if something they said, thought, or did somehow caused the death.

These questions can be difficult for adults, but they provide opportunities for honest, age-appropriate conversations.

Tweens and Adolescents

Older children may have a deeper understanding of the permanence of death.

At the same time, adolescence brings its own developmental challenges.

A grieving teenager may want independence while simultaneously needing support.

They may turn toward friends instead of parents.

They may not want to talk about their grief directly.

They may express grief through music, writing, art, social media, sports, or simply spending time alone.

They may also worry about being different from their peers.

"Nobody else at school has lost their mom."

"What do I even say when people ask?"

Sometimes adolescents don't need us to make them talk.

They need us to make sure the door remains open.

There Is No "Right" Way to Grieve

Perhaps one of the most important things we can offer grieving children is freedom from the expectation that grief has to look a certain way.

There is no perfect timeline.

There is no required number of tears.

There is no deadline for feeling better.

A child can laugh and still miss someone.

A teenager can participate in activities and still be grieving.

A child can seem okay one day and struggle the next.

All of these experiences can be part of grief.

Meet the Child Where They Are

Our role is not to tell children how to grieve.

Our role is to walk alongside them.

Listen to their questions.

Respect their developmental level.

Give them opportunities to express themselves.

Be patient.

And continue checking in.

Because grief can resurface as children reach new developmental milestones.

A child may experience a loss at age seven but have new questions about it at age ten.

A teenager may revisit their grief when graduating, starting high school, preparing for college, or reaching another significant milestone.

The story of the loss may stay the same, but the child continues to grow.

And as they grow, their understanding of their grief may grow too.